Saturday, 28 May 2016

Sleepless night

So i went to bed an hour ago...but iv been tossing and turning ever since. Anxiety has taken my mind away, leaving me in fast shallow breaths. I try to breathe deep, so self meditate, but in vain. The issue on my mind: my freedom!

My husband doesnt take me out, and i have only 1 friend who i barely see, and my husband wont let me put my son at daycare so i could go out. This puts me in a tight position, between four walls.

I wake up early almost everyday, do all my housework & personal routines...anything to keep me from going insane. Then i spend the rest of the day taking care of my son and doing further housework. Sometimes i get to take a short walk around the neighborhood. I only see my parents once a week, when i visit them. They rarely visit me. I used to visit my grandparents once a week but now theyre too old to tolerate my sons noises.

I saw a gym near my new house today that has daycare. My husband refused before i even finished asking. Im hoping he will change his mind.

Iv been overlooking my husbands shortcoming to not taking me out, giving him the excuse that he is busy, when mostly its cz he doesnt like going out. Iv been waiting for summer so i could go out everyday, so i could finally have my honeymoon before i get pregnant again and lose any hope of ever travelling. I once upon a time used to dream of travelling around the world. I know now its impossible.

Im afraid i may b pregnant, too afraid to check...but then again, im always afraid im pregnant. In 2 weeks i will check. If its positive, my dream of a honeymoon is over.

Stay tuned to know whether i have hope (10% if im not pregnant bcz my husband is giving me a hard time abt where to put our 15 month old son) or whether hope is gone (0% if im pregnant) to ever go to turkey this summer...or never!

Saturday, 2 April 2016

Blogging is good

So i woke up today really dizzy and i could barely breathe from my nose...
Another allergy attack! My 2nd since yesterday...
Donno if i mentioned it but i have allergical sinusitus. Yesterday when i left the house, a hot wind blew on my face. That change in weather triggered my allergy. Im taking lorinase for it. Its a gd medication but its effect only lasts a few house & i can only take it twice a day...
So now besides my stress from getting ready to move to a new house in a few days, and my PMS, i got this allergy....go figure!!!
My knees also have been hurting me the past few days. I have ripped cartilage in both knees and every once in a while the pain kicks in...i dont mean to nag but im lonely at home and when i talk to my family i dont like to complain...so im blogging.
I havent blogged in a while. Plus i read an article that blogging increases productivity. So goooo bloggerssss!!!

Thursday, 18 February 2016

What it's like to be moody

Sometimes i wake up happy & energetic Sometimes i wish i could stay in bed all day Sometimes i feel like going out Sometimes i dread leaving the house Sometimes im positive Sometimes im negative Sometimes i smile like i own the world Sometimes i cant even manage a fake smile Sometimes i feel so grateful for the life i lead Sometimes i feel my heart is not content Sometimes i accept who i am Sometimes i wish i was somebody else Sometimes i go through my chores with excitement Sometimes id b like "omg i have so much to do today!!!" Sometimes i dance like its my birthday Sometimes i dont feel alive enough to do so It may sound like im crazy But im just a moody human being

Wednesday, 6 January 2016

Happy

كثيرا ما نبحث عن السعادة في نزهة...في فيلم...في جلسة... كثيرا ما ننتظر حدثا كي نفرح...ننتظر ولدا كي نظفر...ننتظر مالا كي نشتري... نحن البشر...لا يعجبنا العجب...نظل نتلفت حولنا على ما أنعم الله على غيرنا...ننظر و نتمنى... نمضي وقتنا نتحسر على ماضينا...نقلق من مستقبلنا...و نتوه في بحر من الحزن على ما خسرناه...و ما لم نملك أبدا... نبحث في أعماقنا عن ما يسعدنا...نبحث عن معنى السعادة...نبحث عن أسباب السعادة... لنقف قليلا و ننظر الى أنفسنا. لماذا نضيع وقتنا بهذه الأشياء؟ لماذا نضيع في شبر ماء؟ لماذا نبحث عن السعادة؟ لماذا لا نبيع نحن السعادة؟ لماذا لا نعد النعم التى نملكها؟ لماذا لا نتأمل الآن؟ نعيش اللحظة...نستمتع...نفرح...نسعد.. نحن نلتهي بالبحث عن ما لا نملك...بدل أن نستمتع بما نملك! الأعزب يريد أن يتزوج... المتزوج يريد أن يرزق بولد... الأم تريد أن تسعد ببعض الوقت لنفسها، لتنفس عن ضغط الأمومة... المريض يريد أن يشفى... المعافى يريد أن يلهو... الكبير بالسن يتمنى لو يرجع الى الشباب... و الشاب يتمنى لو بقي طفلا... و القلب يهوى و يتمنى... و يفعل الله ما يريد! بحكمة منه... يبلي و يعين! بعلم مسبق منه... ينتظر من سيشكر...و من سيكفر! برحمة منه... يجزي الصابر بالأجر...و الشاكر بالمزيد! الدنيا دار بلاء... ملعونة! و ملعون ما فيها...الا ذكر الله. فبدل أن ننتظر ما تقر به أعيننا...و نتحسر ان لم يأت الينا... دعونا نكن من الصابرين على النقم...من الشاكرين على النعم...من الذاكرين الله كثيرا والذاكرات... دعونا نسلم أمورنا لله وحده...و ندع القلق و الحزن...نتوكل على الله و نثق انه...بحكمة منه، و رحمة منه...سوف يعيننا ان دعوناه بقلب صادق تقي...فإن الله لا يستجيب لدعاء من قلب غافل لاه! بقلم ساجدة حداد

Friday, 1 January 2016

Happiness

I just wanted to express how happy i am. With my husband. My son. My family. My friends.
Life doesnt always go as u wish. But if u r true to god & to urself, everything will fall into place, & in the midst of all the chaos & life problems (whether they r financial or health problems or anything else), i find myself surrounded by people who love me for who i am, people who actually care abt me, like my dad & mom, my sisters (my brothers care but they rarely show it...boys), my husband, my son, my in laws, my bffs zizi & manal. Im truly gifted in many ways.
This life is full of hardships. On this earth we r subjected to a series of tests, one after the other...and we need to, no matter what, stay standing.
Sometimes we grow weak...sometimes we go bitter...sometimes we feel negative feelings. But what matters is that we dont stay that way. We find the positive in every negative situation & know that life is meant to b hard cz it aint heaven!

Tuesday, 29 December 2015

Stability

What is mental stability?
What is emotional stability?
What is stability at all?
To b stable is to have balance.
Its to not let outside problwms affect u.
What abt the inside?
Dont u ever go thru those days where u feel everything goes wrong? Dont u feel like sometimes the tiniest things can ruin ur mood? Doesnt it sometimes feel like u have no control over ur emotions? Dont u ever feel insane? So stressed ur on and on talking to urself...or bipolar? Happy this moment & miserable the next.
Its so exhausting. It happens to me every once in a while. Suddenly i hate myself, i feel like i need someone to talk to but i also feel like nobody cares. It all goes down to 1 thing: routine. Being in a rut is a mood killer, it kills everything sweet and dandy actually. When nothing new & exciting is happening to u, how can u feel excited. I feel drunk now. So tired. Exhausted. Tired of changing myself. Tired of doing a diet for 10 months and getting stuck. Theres a burning in my heart. Theres a yearning to my soul. I dont know where to start. To get closer to my goal.

Saturday, 21 November 2015

Expressing emotion

Children know not how to express themselves...so they cry. They cry for attention, they cry for help, and sometimes, they cry because they r hurting and they dont know y. The thing in common between us adults and children is emotion. We feel the same basic emotions as children. Joy, excitement, pain, fear,...etc. Upon birth, babies express their wants and needs with the only way they know...crying. As the baby becomes more & more aware of his/her surroundings, he/she begins to experience joy. Smiling is followed by laughter, and the crying begins to differentiate into different tones, based on the type of need. When a child first learns to speak, he/she tries to translate needs and wants into words. When wishes r not fulfilled, the toddler learns to create tantrums. The more the tantrums r effective, the more they r used. Children express themselves freely, no shame or social pressure. As the child gets older, and in introduced to the world of right and wrong, some of these wants cannot b fulfilled, and thus some emotions must b masked. As a child turns into a teenager, new feelings r introduced, new emotions, new wants, new needs...and thus teenagers become masters in masking emotions, or overexpressing them. Teenagers have no idea what they r feeling, and so dont know exactly how to express their wants and needs. Some become aggressive, others bashful. And depending on the reactions of their surroundings, this phase is either short if surroundings r healthy and emotions r dealt with well, or may become permanent if handled drastically. As teenagers emerge into adults, they enter a whole new world of responsibility, a whole new collection of emotions. They become more and more afraid. They must solve problems on their own. They must b mature. The pressure is enough to make someone burst. But no. They must b strong. So they mask their fear. They mask sadness. All negative emotiobs must b put away. Only joy and courage can surface. So if u break it down, from infancy to adulthood, we experience the same basic emotions: joy, fear, sadness,... but sometimes we misunderstand how we feel. Sometimes we mask our emotions. But when we look at an infant, we smile bcz we see innocence. We see a life form that hasnt been tampered with yet. We see pure emotion, though misexpressed. We see real laughs for little things. We see shrieks for other things. We look at a child and see the child within each and every one of us, dreading to b free. Free to express our emotions. Free to feel.