Saturday, 11 June 2016

Spiritual mind-blow

So i went to the mosque today for fajr. Since i got married 3 years ago, i dont get to go to the mosque cz i have a baby and nobody to look after him. But i was sleeping over at my parents after they invited me to iftar, and my dad offered to watch my son so i could go to prayer. I was so excited!!!

As i walked down the street, there was something about the breeze that was filled with spirituality. I could feel the angels all around me. I felt like i wanted to dance and sing to express my happiness. Happy thoughts were racing through my mind. But the moment i entered the sacred temple of god, the mosque, it was as if my soul was lifted to a higher place, as if it were meditating...and all the noise in my head was replaced with peaceful silence. It was so amazing i cried. As i prayed, i felt such greatness and honor, to b praying in the house of the lord. I felt like i could stay there forever...
As i exited the mosque, i took a piece of that spirituality with me...the memory of greatness i felt. I will refresh this memory everytime i feel low on the spiritual bar, and hopefully itll lift my spirit again to a simulation of what i felt when i entered the house of Allah!

Saturday, 28 May 2016

Sleepless night

So i went to bed an hour ago...but iv been tossing and turning ever since. Anxiety has taken my mind away, leaving me in fast shallow breaths. I try to breathe deep, so self meditate, but in vain. The issue on my mind: my freedom!

My husband doesnt take me out, and i have only 1 friend who i barely see, and my husband wont let me put my son at daycare so i could go out. This puts me in a tight position, between four walls.

I wake up early almost everyday, do all my housework & personal routines...anything to keep me from going insane. Then i spend the rest of the day taking care of my son and doing further housework. Sometimes i get to take a short walk around the neighborhood. I only see my parents once a week, when i visit them. They rarely visit me. I used to visit my grandparents once a week but now theyre too old to tolerate my sons noises.

I saw a gym near my new house today that has daycare. My husband refused before i even finished asking. Im hoping he will change his mind.

Iv been overlooking my husbands shortcoming to not taking me out, giving him the excuse that he is busy, when mostly its cz he doesnt like going out. Iv been waiting for summer so i could go out everyday, so i could finally have my honeymoon before i get pregnant again and lose any hope of ever travelling. I once upon a time used to dream of travelling around the world. I know now its impossible.

Im afraid i may b pregnant, too afraid to check...but then again, im always afraid im pregnant. In 2 weeks i will check. If its positive, my dream of a honeymoon is over.

Stay tuned to know whether i have hope (10% if im not pregnant bcz my husband is giving me a hard time abt where to put our 15 month old son) or whether hope is gone (0% if im pregnant) to ever go to turkey this summer...or never!

Saturday, 2 April 2016

Blogging is good

So i woke up today really dizzy and i could barely breathe from my nose...
Another allergy attack! My 2nd since yesterday...
Donno if i mentioned it but i have allergical sinusitus. Yesterday when i left the house, a hot wind blew on my face. That change in weather triggered my allergy. Im taking lorinase for it. Its a gd medication but its effect only lasts a few house & i can only take it twice a day...
So now besides my stress from getting ready to move to a new house in a few days, and my PMS, i got this allergy....go figure!!!
My knees also have been hurting me the past few days. I have ripped cartilage in both knees and every once in a while the pain kicks in...i dont mean to nag but im lonely at home and when i talk to my family i dont like to complain...so im blogging.
I havent blogged in a while. Plus i read an article that blogging increases productivity. So goooo bloggerssss!!!

Thursday, 18 February 2016

What it's like to be moody

Sometimes i wake up happy & energetic Sometimes i wish i could stay in bed all day Sometimes i feel like going out Sometimes i dread leaving the house Sometimes im positive Sometimes im negative Sometimes i smile like i own the world Sometimes i cant even manage a fake smile Sometimes i feel so grateful for the life i lead Sometimes i feel my heart is not content Sometimes i accept who i am Sometimes i wish i was somebody else Sometimes i go through my chores with excitement Sometimes id b like "omg i have so much to do today!!!" Sometimes i dance like its my birthday Sometimes i dont feel alive enough to do so It may sound like im crazy But im just a moody human being

Wednesday, 6 January 2016

Happy

كثيرا ما نبحث عن السعادة في نزهة...في فيلم...في جلسة... كثيرا ما ننتظر حدثا كي نفرح...ننتظر ولدا كي نظفر...ننتظر مالا كي نشتري... نحن البشر...لا يعجبنا العجب...نظل نتلفت حولنا على ما أنعم الله على غيرنا...ننظر و نتمنى... نمضي وقتنا نتحسر على ماضينا...نقلق من مستقبلنا...و نتوه في بحر من الحزن على ما خسرناه...و ما لم نملك أبدا... نبحث في أعماقنا عن ما يسعدنا...نبحث عن معنى السعادة...نبحث عن أسباب السعادة... لنقف قليلا و ننظر الى أنفسنا. لماذا نضيع وقتنا بهذه الأشياء؟ لماذا نضيع في شبر ماء؟ لماذا نبحث عن السعادة؟ لماذا لا نبيع نحن السعادة؟ لماذا لا نعد النعم التى نملكها؟ لماذا لا نتأمل الآن؟ نعيش اللحظة...نستمتع...نفرح...نسعد.. نحن نلتهي بالبحث عن ما لا نملك...بدل أن نستمتع بما نملك! الأعزب يريد أن يتزوج... المتزوج يريد أن يرزق بولد... الأم تريد أن تسعد ببعض الوقت لنفسها، لتنفس عن ضغط الأمومة... المريض يريد أن يشفى... المعافى يريد أن يلهو... الكبير بالسن يتمنى لو يرجع الى الشباب... و الشاب يتمنى لو بقي طفلا... و القلب يهوى و يتمنى... و يفعل الله ما يريد! بحكمة منه... يبلي و يعين! بعلم مسبق منه... ينتظر من سيشكر...و من سيكفر! برحمة منه... يجزي الصابر بالأجر...و الشاكر بالمزيد! الدنيا دار بلاء... ملعونة! و ملعون ما فيها...الا ذكر الله. فبدل أن ننتظر ما تقر به أعيننا...و نتحسر ان لم يأت الينا... دعونا نكن من الصابرين على النقم...من الشاكرين على النعم...من الذاكرين الله كثيرا والذاكرات... دعونا نسلم أمورنا لله وحده...و ندع القلق و الحزن...نتوكل على الله و نثق انه...بحكمة منه، و رحمة منه...سوف يعيننا ان دعوناه بقلب صادق تقي...فإن الله لا يستجيب لدعاء من قلب غافل لاه! بقلم ساجدة حداد

Friday, 1 January 2016

Happiness

I just wanted to express how happy i am. With my husband. My son. My family. My friends.
Life doesnt always go as u wish. But if u r true to god & to urself, everything will fall into place, & in the midst of all the chaos & life problems (whether they r financial or health problems or anything else), i find myself surrounded by people who love me for who i am, people who actually care abt me, like my dad & mom, my sisters (my brothers care but they rarely show it...boys), my husband, my son, my in laws, my bffs zizi & manal. Im truly gifted in many ways.
This life is full of hardships. On this earth we r subjected to a series of tests, one after the other...and we need to, no matter what, stay standing.
Sometimes we grow weak...sometimes we go bitter...sometimes we feel negative feelings. But what matters is that we dont stay that way. We find the positive in every negative situation & know that life is meant to b hard cz it aint heaven!

Tuesday, 29 December 2015

Stability

What is mental stability?
What is emotional stability?
What is stability at all?
To b stable is to have balance.
Its to not let outside problwms affect u.
What abt the inside?
Dont u ever go thru those days where u feel everything goes wrong? Dont u feel like sometimes the tiniest things can ruin ur mood? Doesnt it sometimes feel like u have no control over ur emotions? Dont u ever feel insane? So stressed ur on and on talking to urself...or bipolar? Happy this moment & miserable the next.
Its so exhausting. It happens to me every once in a while. Suddenly i hate myself, i feel like i need someone to talk to but i also feel like nobody cares. It all goes down to 1 thing: routine. Being in a rut is a mood killer, it kills everything sweet and dandy actually. When nothing new & exciting is happening to u, how can u feel excited. I feel drunk now. So tired. Exhausted. Tired of changing myself. Tired of doing a diet for 10 months and getting stuck. Theres a burning in my heart. Theres a yearning to my soul. I dont know where to start. To get closer to my goal.